Thursday, December 3, 2015
Ruined Recipes II: hummus update
GREAT NEWS!!!!! I salvaged the "way to garlicky hummus" with a can of pink beans and about 1/4 cup of olive oil! Hurray!!!!!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Ruined Recipes II: Some nights everything just goes terribly wrong
Being a domestic goddess is hard y'all and sometimes I miss the mark. Sometimes I don't even hit the wall in front of me and I end up shooting myself in the foot. I was trying to make a few fantastic plant based meals that went together efficiently, which my partner and I could eat on for a couple of days. Instead I ended up with a fantastic blog post. Today I have 4 recipes for your enjoyment: "Perfect butternut squash,"
"Sucky southwestern sweet potato soup," "Cringe-worthy cornbread," and
"Way-too-garlicky butternut squash hummus." Most of these are based off
of recipes from the http://minimalistbaker.com, which is filled with
simple, delicious, and apparently impossible to make and unalterable recipes.
"Perfect butternut squash"
Purchase a 600lb butternut squash with the intention of using it to do a test run of the "Zuccbuttplant" recipe (vegan turduckin), before Thanksgiving. Since it is still on the counter on the last day of Novermber its time to cook this bad boy. Ask partner (who feels helpless but just wants to contribute somehow) to peel and cube the monster, and save the seeds for later planting and immediate roasting for a pre-dinner snack. After he does all the hard work, spray pan with oil and pile on the cubes creating a single layer of squash with no seasoning or oil. Put in 350 degree oven until soft and caramelized. Delicious. Separate seeds from pulp and reserve about 10 for planting next year. (I'll probably forget I have them). Add 1 tbsp of coconut oil and a random spice mix from the cabinet and mix with the seeds. place on parchment paper and put in the toaster oven on 400 degrees. These might have turned out great if I had taken them out about 20 minutes earlier than I did. At least my dogs got a pre-dinner snack.
"Sucky southwestern sweet potato soup"
Soak unmeasured quantity of dried kidney beans in water in the fridge for 20 hours, because using dried beans instead of cans saves money and reduces waste. Drain beans and place in pot with 2x the water to boil. Add 1/4 of an onion because whatever, and spoonful of bullion let boil for about 30 minutes: just enough time to chop one sweet potato and 2 carrots, and put together ingredients for "cringe-worthy cornbread." Add 1/2 can salsa, sweet potato and carrot to bean boil projecting that the beans will be finished by the time veggies are done cooking. Find a lone potato in the fridge and add that too because why not just fuck everything up.
Continue to let boil for another 40 minutes while lamenting that the beans still aren't done. 10 minutes later, sample a bean, and gag. Add 2 cups more water to the pot and continue to boil while pulling the cringe-worthy cornbread and a butternut squash out of the oven in preparation for "way-too-garlicky butternut squash hummus" After the rest of the vegetables are essentially liquified and overcooked, sample a bean one more time. They are still way underdone. Pour out soup into bowl and painstakingly pick out all the beans. Resolve to save the day by turning soup into creamy delicious butternut squash soup. Add remaining vegetables and 2 cups roasted butternut squash to blender. slowly add cashew milk until desired consistency, which for me was just liquid enough to be able to easily pour out of blender. Add a little bit more water to soup and warm up in original pot after scraping caramelized (slightly burned) residue off the bottom.
Taste soup. disgusting. add barbecue sauce. terrible.
"Cringe-worthy cornbread:"
Start with a recipe online for minimalist baker's "Cornbread for 2" and double the quantities even though there are just two of us eating tonight. I'm a moron.
Recipe called for greasing up a couple large ramekins, but I decide to spray grease onto a "mini cupcake" pan (which I thought would make the cutest little cornbreads, but instead it ruined my life) and spoon mixture into about 3/4 of the spaces available in the pan before running out. go figure. Take "before picture" to be used for future instagram post, but leave out the empty cups because it's supposed to be a square anyway. Place into 350 degree oven next to butternut squash cubes which wow are almost done. let bake for ?????? whenever it turns golden brown, which it already was to begin with but i guess the edges started to get slightly more brown. about 30 minutes. remove from oven in a flash of panic because you think you smell burning but really its just the butternut squash seeds burning in the toaster oven.
Might as well just burn the kitchen down and be done with it.
Cornbread comes out dense in the center and crispy on the outside, Still edible while fresh from the oven but quickly turn roughly the texture of dog biscuits after cooling. and not sweet AT ALL. Consider dunking in "Sucky southwestern sweet potato soup" as suggested by the minimalist baker blog to soften the abominations, before remembering that the soup is ruined also.
"Way-too-garlicky butternut squash hummus"
First delight in the fact that at least the butternut squash came out perfectly.
Peel 5 giant cloves of fresh garlic (recipe called for 4 probably normal sized but I love garlic)
Add to blender with 1/4 cup olive oil, handful of cilantro, 1/4 cup tahini, 1 can of drained chickpeas, 1/2 teaspoon cumin, 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon and smoked paprika, "pinch" of salt (still unclear whether this is supposed to be 1/4 or 1/8 teaspoon). Pulse to mix. add 1 cup of roasted butternut squash. Blend away.
Re-read recipe while blending and realize that half of the garlic was supposed to be roasted with the butternut squash. Oh well, I love roasted garlic but it's way too late for that now. Fresh garlic is good too. It was almost delicious, but that garlic was totally out of hand. Nearly impossible to eat even for a garlic-hound like myself.
Dinner is served: crazy insane hummus and stale pita from the fridge.
"Perfect butternut squash"
Purchase a 600lb butternut squash with the intention of using it to do a test run of the "Zuccbuttplant" recipe (vegan turduckin), before Thanksgiving. Since it is still on the counter on the last day of Novermber its time to cook this bad boy. Ask partner (who feels helpless but just wants to contribute somehow) to peel and cube the monster, and save the seeds for later planting and immediate roasting for a pre-dinner snack. After he does all the hard work, spray pan with oil and pile on the cubes creating a single layer of squash with no seasoning or oil. Put in 350 degree oven until soft and caramelized. Delicious. Separate seeds from pulp and reserve about 10 for planting next year. (I'll probably forget I have them). Add 1 tbsp of coconut oil and a random spice mix from the cabinet and mix with the seeds. place on parchment paper and put in the toaster oven on 400 degrees. These might have turned out great if I had taken them out about 20 minutes earlier than I did. At least my dogs got a pre-dinner snack.
"Sucky southwestern sweet potato soup"
Soak unmeasured quantity of dried kidney beans in water in the fridge for 20 hours, because using dried beans instead of cans saves money and reduces waste. Drain beans and place in pot with 2x the water to boil. Add 1/4 of an onion because whatever, and spoonful of bullion let boil for about 30 minutes: just enough time to chop one sweet potato and 2 carrots, and put together ingredients for "cringe-worthy cornbread." Add 1/2 can salsa, sweet potato and carrot to bean boil projecting that the beans will be finished by the time veggies are done cooking. Find a lone potato in the fridge and add that too because why not just fuck everything up.
Continue to let boil for another 40 minutes while lamenting that the beans still aren't done. 10 minutes later, sample a bean, and gag. Add 2 cups more water to the pot and continue to boil while pulling the cringe-worthy cornbread and a butternut squash out of the oven in preparation for "way-too-garlicky butternut squash hummus" After the rest of the vegetables are essentially liquified and overcooked, sample a bean one more time. They are still way underdone. Pour out soup into bowl and painstakingly pick out all the beans. Resolve to save the day by turning soup into creamy delicious butternut squash soup. Add remaining vegetables and 2 cups roasted butternut squash to blender. slowly add cashew milk until desired consistency, which for me was just liquid enough to be able to easily pour out of blender. Add a little bit more water to soup and warm up in original pot after scraping caramelized (slightly burned) residue off the bottom.
Taste soup. disgusting. add barbecue sauce. terrible.
"Cringe-worthy cornbread:"
 | ||
| I was too embarrassed to show the rows of unfilled cups. |
- small flax egg (1/2 Tbsp flax seed meal + 1 1/2 Tbsp water)
- 1/4 cup + 3 Tbsp plain unsweetened almond milk + 1 tsp lemon juice or apple cider vinegar
- 1/4 teaspoon baking soda *(pretty sure I used 1/2 teaspoon)
- 2 Tbsp vegan butter, melted *(The only time I used a microwave all night, and it worked!)
- 1/4 cup cane or granulated sugar *(Left this out because milk and applesauce contained sugar. this was a mistake)
- 1 Tbsp unsweetened applesauce *(Had a jar of highly spiced applesauce I made a month ago, because that just might add some mysterious exotic flavor. I scraped the mold off the top and used 2 tbsp)
- pinch sea salt *(however the fuck much that is)
- 1/4 cup + 3 Tbsp fine yellow cornmeal *(1/2 cup and 6 tablespoons which was super annoying to measure out and probably could have just gone with 3/4 of a cup)
- 1/4 cup + 3 Tbsp unbleached all purpose flour *(Yeah, I used white wheat flower which was also probably a mistake)
Recipe called for greasing up a couple large ramekins, but I decide to spray grease onto a "mini cupcake" pan (which I thought would make the cutest little cornbreads, but instead it ruined my life) and spoon mixture into about 3/4 of the spaces available in the pan before running out. go figure. Take "before picture" to be used for future instagram post, but leave out the empty cups because it's supposed to be a square anyway. Place into 350 degree oven next to butternut squash cubes which wow are almost done. let bake for ?????? whenever it turns golden brown, which it already was to begin with but i guess the edges started to get slightly more brown. about 30 minutes. remove from oven in a flash of panic because you think you smell burning but really its just the butternut squash seeds burning in the toaster oven.
Might as well just burn the kitchen down and be done with it.
Cornbread comes out dense in the center and crispy on the outside, Still edible while fresh from the oven but quickly turn roughly the texture of dog biscuits after cooling. and not sweet AT ALL. Consider dunking in "Sucky southwestern sweet potato soup" as suggested by the minimalist baker blog to soften the abominations, before remembering that the soup is ruined also.
"Way-too-garlicky butternut squash hummus"
First delight in the fact that at least the butternut squash came out perfectly.
Peel 5 giant cloves of fresh garlic (recipe called for 4 probably normal sized but I love garlic)
Add to blender with 1/4 cup olive oil, handful of cilantro, 1/4 cup tahini, 1 can of drained chickpeas, 1/2 teaspoon cumin, 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon and smoked paprika, "pinch" of salt (still unclear whether this is supposed to be 1/4 or 1/8 teaspoon). Pulse to mix. add 1 cup of roasted butternut squash. Blend away.
Re-read recipe while blending and realize that half of the garlic was supposed to be roasted with the butternut squash. Oh well, I love roasted garlic but it's way too late for that now. Fresh garlic is good too. It was almost delicious, but that garlic was totally out of hand. Nearly impossible to eat even for a garlic-hound like myself.
Dinner is served: crazy insane hummus and stale pita from the fridge.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Poison Ivy for Dinner Tonight
Ingredients:
1 leaf of Toxicodendron radicans
Instructions:
In the springtime, usually early April around these parts, seek out the tiniest, newest leaves of T. radicans. They will be red and shiny, and not much larger than the size of your pinky fingernail. Eat the three leaflets (actually considered a single leaf) and chew thoroughly, letting the leaf completely disintegrate in your saliva. Follow with a good ol chug of water to wash the particles down. It may help to have a small meal first and follow up with a bit of bread or something your first few times but don't stuff yourself. Do this every day for 2-3 months preferably switching to eating the leaf on an empty stomach after a few days. If you start to get some minor symptoms in the mouth or on the "opposite of your mouth," back off on eating it for a few days until that situation calms down a bit and then get right back to it. In my case I just got some small raised bumps on my back gums near my molars which was less noticeable than a canker sore... kind of like the feeling you get after eating too many stale tortilla chips. After 3 days it went away and I started eating again. I had the runs for a bit, could have been unrelated. I switched to eating every other day for a while and the situation resolved. Eventually started eating bigger leaves as the season progressed and it became more difficult to find the baby leaves. As a result I seem to have lessened the severity of my reaction to the skin-bonded oil, but I'm not completely immune yet. After repeating the process every spring I may see an improvement in my immunity. Or I could die, in which case it's a moot point.
Some ways you might screw this up:
First of all, try this remedy at your own risk. Definitely let somebody know what's up before embarking on this journey in case you happen to be the one freak that has a real problem.
Don't wuss out if your butt itches just a tiny bit. Just use some baby wipes/cortisone and move on with your day. HOWEVER- listen to your body and if you become seriously inflamed or if your existing or former patches of poison ivy start to flare up then back off eating for a little while. No pain no gain.
Take care of yourself and make sure you are eating healthfully and drinking plenty of water and getting good exercise so that your body has what it needs to process the small amount of urushiol you are ingesting.
Try not to let the poison ivy oils come into direct contact with your skin during this critical period of immunity-building. Inside your mouth and internal organs don't actually have "skin" so the contact-dermatitis reaction doesn't happen inside your body, which is why i'm not dead right now.
If you have furry animal pets they can transfer the oils to your hands/clothes so keep your yard free of the stuff and wash your hands with soapy water immediately after petting them.
Will Endres recommends using a homemade extract of Jewelweed (Impatiens capensis) as a prophylactic. I can't attest to its efficacy but it is apparently also quite soothing and therapeutic for the rash as well, albeit less effective than as a preventative.
If you do happen to come into contact with the stuff and start to react I recommend investing in the highly effective but extremely expensive remedy Zanfel which is a miracle cure once the rash has broken out. Its about 40-50 dollars for a one ounce tube which is only about 1/20th the price of gold. And its a lot more useful to your average person. Great idea for a valentine's day present for your sweetie.
I've had hit or miss success with Tecnu for relief, which helps to halt the reaction at its very beginning stages. However it is great for hand/body washing after a long day in the field.
In general plain old water or soapy water will work just fine if you can get it in the first 10 minutes after exposure.
I made this short video to show the awesome power of shock value to impress/horrify your friends and gain their respect, admiration, and/or disdain. Check out my girl C-dawg freaking out at the bottom right corner. **video contains some profanity**
Monday, May 11, 2015
Ruined Recipes I: ACTUALLY Fire roasted black eyed pea and corn chili
Ingredients:
maybe 2 cups??? 5 month old dried black eyed peas leftover from new year's eve.
1 cup dried quinoa (1 year old giant bag from costco)
2 cans of chopped tomatoes (fire roasted)
1 can of corn
1 carton of vegetable stock
1 red bell pepper, chopped
1 yellow or white onion, chopped
1 avocado
4 cloves of garlic
1/8 cup olive oil
several dashes of ground chipotle pepper
equal dashes of ground cumin
some salt
half a beer, whatever you are drinking while cooking. I was drinking Magic Hat #9. I promise I only had the one.
Directions:
Soak black eyed peas in water for 48 hours, because the meal you planned for yesterday didn't happen so you are making it tonight. Drain and rinse thoroughly. Or don't. Whatever
In a pressure cooker add soaked beans, most of the carton of veggie stock and a bit of water. Be sure not to fill above the halfway point.
Process for 20ish minutes after it starts steaming
Release pressure and add bell pepper, onion, 2 cups dried quinoa, 1 can of fire roasted tomatoes, the rest of the veggie stock, cumin, chipotle pepper, salt, and half a beer.
Process for another ?? minutes while watching Trading Places (1983, Starring Eddie Murphy, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Dan Aykroyd)
Right about the time 24 year old Jamie Lee Curtis's glorious breasts get put away, check on the pressure cooker and realize there is a terrible stench emanating from the kitchen.
Panic and remove the cooker from the burner and release pressure as quickly as safely possible. Open top and frantically salvage remaining un-charred portion of the dinner by pouring into a ceramic casserole dish.
Attempt (unsuccessfully) to cover up the indelible burnt dinner smell with 1/8 cup of fresh olive oil, 4 cloves of minced garlic, and another can of fire roasted tomatoes.
Garnish with fresh avocado slices, and hot sauce. Serves 2 for several days.
Pairs well with oven roasted potatoes.
Wait 24 hours to realize that you never added the can of corn. (add it anyway because YOLO)
maybe 2 cups??? 5 month old dried black eyed peas leftover from new year's eve.
1 cup dried quinoa (1 year old giant bag from costco)
2 cans of chopped tomatoes (fire roasted)
1 can of corn
1 carton of vegetable stock
1 red bell pepper, chopped
1 yellow or white onion, chopped
1 avocado
4 cloves of garlic
1/8 cup olive oil
several dashes of ground chipotle pepper
equal dashes of ground cumin
some salt
half a beer, whatever you are drinking while cooking. I was drinking Magic Hat #9. I promise I only had the one.
Directions:
Soak black eyed peas in water for 48 hours, because the meal you planned for yesterday didn't happen so you are making it tonight. Drain and rinse thoroughly. Or don't. Whatever
In a pressure cooker add soaked beans, most of the carton of veggie stock and a bit of water. Be sure not to fill above the halfway point.
Process for 20ish minutes after it starts steaming
Release pressure and add bell pepper, onion, 2 cups dried quinoa, 1 can of fire roasted tomatoes, the rest of the veggie stock, cumin, chipotle pepper, salt, and half a beer.
Process for another ?? minutes while watching Trading Places (1983, Starring Eddie Murphy, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Dan Aykroyd)
Right about the time 24 year old Jamie Lee Curtis's glorious breasts get put away, check on the pressure cooker and realize there is a terrible stench emanating from the kitchen.
Panic and remove the cooker from the burner and release pressure as quickly as safely possible. Open top and frantically salvage remaining un-charred portion of the dinner by pouring into a ceramic casserole dish.
Attempt (unsuccessfully) to cover up the indelible burnt dinner smell with 1/8 cup of fresh olive oil, 4 cloves of minced garlic, and another can of fire roasted tomatoes.
Garnish with fresh avocado slices, and hot sauce. Serves 2 for several days.
Pairs well with oven roasted potatoes.
Wait 24 hours to realize that you never added the can of corn. (add it anyway because YOLO)
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